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Are you ready for some cow jokes!
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
*
My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
She's been grazing in the field too long,...
And now she thinks she's a horse.
*
What are the spots on black and white cows?
Holstains
*
What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia
*
Have you ever heard the term "When Pigs Fly!"......
*
Well what if it were "When Cows Fly!"
*
Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!
*
What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'
*
Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands.
*
What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
"It's just an udder day"
*
How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowlculator
*
Why don't cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry
*
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows
*
What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat
*
What do cows wear in Hawaii?
Moo- moos
*
What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
Decalfenated
*
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work
*

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." "Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."
*
There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd. The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
*
What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
*
Old man BillyBob goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?" BillyBob says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them." The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian." A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?" BillyBob says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?" BillyBob says, "He gave him some pills." The banker says, "What kind of pills?" BillyBob says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint."
*
A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeping a strict eye on his portion of the cows. A rumour comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this. The first bull says, "Well, there's no way he's going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any. He can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up." Finally, the new bull arrives. The first three gather at the edge of the field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor. To their consternation, the biggest, meanest Brahma bull they have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them. The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows. I think I'll give him twenty of mine." The second bull says, "Yeah, I guess so, I'll give him thirty of mine." They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting, and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows too. He says, "Yes I know, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
*
A Colorado State University animal nutrition professor named Donald Johnson has been studying cow flatulence for 20 years, and has determined that the average cow emits 200 to 400 quarts of methane gas PER DAY, resulting in a total annual world cow methane output of 50 million metric TONS! Don't light a match around a cow and never allow a cow inside your sleeping bag!!
*
Deviant Sex in the Rural Setting (from a misc.rural posting) I wish to try to weave these various sex threads into the rural fabric. Yes, sexual deviancy pervades the countryside. First, there are all of those lesbian cows. Every 21 days or so, sexually mature, non-pregnant bovine females shamelessly lose control of their carnal passions; they come into estrus, in heat, or on heat as the British would say. When there is no bull to requite their desires, cows can be observed mounting each other in the dark recesses of the back pasture or right up by the roadside, in front of God and everybody. The cow which stands for another to mount is deemed to be in heat. At this point, the farmer has 12-24 hours to enter the game if he wants his cow to become pregnant. In times past, he would drive or lead old "Bossy" to his own or the neighbor's bull. Farm boys have many jokes about this. In one case, the small boy explains to his teacher that he is late to school because he had to take the cow to the neighbor's bull. The teacher asks, "Couldn't your father have done it? "Yes, but Dad's not registered." When there is no bull, sex around the farm really gets weird. The farmer, (are you ready?) picks up the telephone. He calls his neighborhood inseminator to join the fun. The inseminator arrives with semen that has been collected at a bull stud in a manner that would have the religious right tearing their hair if it were ever on the local newsstand. In times past, a cow kept "hot" with hormone injections was used as the object of the bull's affection. Because the hand is not the only thing quicker than the eye, the bull sometimes slipped one past his handlers and actually penetrated the cow. Because of the hazard of transmitting sexually transmitted diseases, we called them VD in olden times. "Hot" cows were discarded in favor of other sex-objects, animate and inanimate. It is enough to make one blush, but often one male is used for the "donor" to mount after a little foreplay and teasing. As the bull mounts, the handler grasps the bull's sheath in one hand and guides the bull's erect penis, or male member if you prefer, into an artificial vagina which consists of a hard composition outer shell some 10cm or so in diameter with latex liner filled with warm water and suitably lubricated. When the bull has had his pleasure, in a manner of speaking, the ejaculate is drained into a collection tube at the end of a latex cone attached to one end of the artificial vagina for the purpose. The volume of the ejaculate is measured, and thesemen diluted and frozen in vials or straws the latter developed by the French at a bull stud at L'Aigle, Normandy. Now, for you who have had trouble handling the Gay-Lesbian-Bisexual thread, I thought it worth pointing out that even dittoheads in the Bible Belt depend on all of these alternative lifestyles and more to keep the mortgage paid. Wes Combs, Ph.D. Academic Advisor, and Consultant in International Livestock Development
*
Q: What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A: A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
*
Q: Where do cows go on their space vacation?
A: The moooooon!
*
Q: Where do cows dance?
A: At Meatballs!
*
Q:  Where do cows go for vacation?
A: MOO-York!
*
Q: What are cows favorite party games?
A: MOO-sical chairs!
*
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: To get to the Milky Way!
*
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work!
*
Q: Once there was a farmer who had 50 cows, but when he counted them there were only 49. Where was that last cow?
A: He was at the moo-vies.
*
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday night?
A: To the moo-vies.
*
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly. Cows go MOOOOOO!

*
Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: Give a cow a pogo stick.
*
Q: How does a cow do math?
A: With a cow-culator!
*
Q: What did the cow say when it was about to step on an ant?
A: Moooove!
*
Q: What do cows like to listen to?
A: Moo-sic!
*

What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock?
A lawn mooer
*
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
*
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." "But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked. "None survived the branding."
*

*****************************************************



LEARN ABOUT A COWS
Definitions:
MILK- liquid secreted by the mammary glands of female mammals as food for their young. The milk of the cow is most widely used by humans, but the milk of the mare, goat, ewe, buffalo, camel, ass, zebra, reindeer, llama, and yak is also used.
DAIRYING- business of producing, processing, and distributing milk and milk products. Ninety percent of the world's milk is obtained from cows; the remainder comes from goats, buffaloes, sheep, reindeer, yaks, and other ruminants. In the United States, dairy products account for nearly 16% of the food consumed annually.

CHEESE- The Production of Cheese The milk of various animals has been used in the making of cheese: the milk of mares and goats by the ancient Greeks, camel's milk by the early Egyptians, and reindeer's milk by the Laplanders. Sheep's milk and goat's milk are still widely used, but cow's milk is most common. The milk may be raw or pasteurized, sweet sour, whole, skimmed, or with cream added.

FERMENTED MILK- fermented milk, whole or skim milk curdled to beverage or custardlike consistency by lactic-acid-producing microorganisms. Many forms of fermented milk were used by early nomadic herders, especially in Asia and S and E Europe, Scandinavia, Africa, and South America. Such milks are believed to have medicinal value in the control of intestinal fermentation by contributing bacteria that aid in digestion.


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